Conker quickly laid waste to much of Bulgaria, planting horse chestnut trees here, there, and everywhere. Conker had a pet python called Monty. But Monty was too compassionate for Conker's liking, so ended up in the Crusades in 1756, where he was used as a portable bridge. One day, Monty caught sight of Mathilda Python, deserted his post, and 100,000 souls drowned (Monty was quite big). Python was court-martialled, but, luckily, six bakers took pity on him and adopted him.

The bakers decided to name their pub, Monty le Python, but the 'le' was soon dropped for reasons of etiquette. The bakers were nasty bastards, in truth, and they all wanted to have Monty to themselves. Thus, they would have contests whereby the man who punched the most holes in the most doughnuts, without using his hands, would win Python. The girls loved all this, and all six bakers were soon wed, but as they all scored 1,603 the ownership of Monty was still to be settled.

Thus, they formed a wrestling troupe called Monty Python, and they consisted of the six men who were to be immortal: John 'Cleaver' Cleese, Graham 'Chopper' Chapman, Eric 'Innocent' Idle, Terry 'Garotter' Gilliam, Michael 'Poker' Palin, and Terry 'Jabber' Jones.

They were to fight to the death. The winner gaining Monty. On the road to their first venue at Scrotum Grab - a treacherous 362 mile walk in camel slurry - the group kept their spirits up telling jokes, and performing sketches, including those which were to be famous evermore: 'The Dead Parsnip Sketch', 'Upper Class Twig In The Rear', and 'The Ministry of Sunny Forts'.

They didn't fancy wrestling anymore, went home, wrote a history of Belgium before bedtime, and were signed up in 1869 by the Bermuda Broadcasting Company, and then they made some films. Monty became their manager.

- Paul Rance.

Mr. Rance began his career as a writer some time ago, and wrote novels such as 'David Copperfield' and '1984'. He then became a successful singer with The Beatles, played football (soccer to you Americans), cricket, rugby, and water polo for England. He was the first man on Mars in 1934.

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