The 2006 World Cup in Germany
A booksmusicfilmstv.com surreal take on the footie fest in Germany
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WHAT ALAN PARTRIDGE MAY THINK OF THE 2006 WORLD CUP - IF ASKED...

More Alan Partridge

And so the festival of football begins. Two years it's taken to reach the autobahns of Germany - the home of Beethoven and the Nazis.

In 1966, our boys, with the two Bobbys and the two Charltons, and little ginger winger Alan Ball, routed our Anglo-Saxon cousins from across the sea.

This time, we may well indeed get it right. Though a lot will depend on whether we can get the boy born to be king, Wayne Rooney, fit in time. I once had a foot injury, and the difficulty in walking is immense. Kicking a ball into that net may be even harder.

With Peter Crutch we have a special weapon. He is tall, and the nations with little people, i.e. Japan and South Korea, will need a stepladder of some height to reach him. David Beckham, with his wicked feet, will only need to supply, and goooooal, Croch will score. England look solid at the back, now that Rio Ferdinand has passed all his tests, and John Terry is like the Rock of Ages, utterly unsinkable.

With a midfield of Joseph Cole, Stevie 'J', Becksy, and Frank Limpard, and Michael 'goals' Owen up front, plus Rooney, Crich, and wonderboy Theo Hargreaves, England will bring that trophy home - after 40 years of pain.

...If they don't, then the boys from Brazil will samba past everyone, and Argentina look handy, but then they always were...The Dutch have given us total football and those things our lady friends use when we're feeling 'in the mood'. I don't fancy the French or the Germans. I'm not being racist when I say this, but I don't think they're as good as us. The Italians may surprise. They have some good looking boys (as always), and I just get pleasure from watching them perform. Spain have never done well at World Cups. It may be, and I've studied this, the division between one part of Spain with the other which is the problem. The golden generation of Portugal have now gone a bit silver or bronze. The USA may shock and awe, but I'm not into Bush, and I never have been. Africa have some good nations, as do Asia, and I would like to see the tiny nations win a game or two. Trinidad & Tobago will lose heavily in every match, but they are happy people. So, bring it on. The festival of football will be flipping marvellous, and wifey will have her soaps, so everyone's happy.

Paul Rance/booksmusicfilmstv.com.